break the barrier

so my weight keeps going between 130 & 140
I can never seem to get under 130 and never go over 140
its killing me!
I wake up after a week of fasting so weak so i have to eat and so i never get any lower
blahh
i need to go out for dinner then out heavy drinking
im dreading it like insanly
and i keep wanting to eat right now!
i hate this, I feel huge
plus my kleptomania is in over drive, ironically i keep stealing food
I wish i didnt live in a studio, there would at least be walls to hide the kitchen

Action cancel, fuck recovery

So I lost the weight again but AGAIN Action boy had to cancel, he had a college thing at 9am so he wouldn't be able to spend the night since he has to travel to see me, I was still really upset
I was frustrated and wanted to have an amazing night of sex with an amzing guy but I was left feeling rejected as per usual.
So I decided fuck it
I hate this ed anything I reach a gw my 'reward' never happens, Im never happy no matter what!
So I made myself a proper sized dinner, all vegan so I felt ok about it, was just terrified at the size
but I started eating it, while on msn talking to Aiden when he started on about politics
I was like no im not interested in politics, its like religion, unless it is unavoidably important then i dont want to know,
and with him being on of the few that knows about my ED I said
I'm more concered about eating a proper meal rather than starving myself

big statment yeah

he turns round and said well i think you need to get your prioritys straight, politics are important.
well can I say Iv never had one comment hit me so hard
i for the first time ever managed to purge my food, it was horrible.
the rest of the meal is in the bin
I hate him
Im even more determinded to reach my GW now
fuck trying to recover, im not dying so theres no need
this thing makes me miserable and happy at the same time
in a perfect world i wouldn't I have this but guess what
we are all in this one big flaw we call life!

been a while

iv not posted for a bit simply because iv not been around and had alot of shit happen
as in my last post I sucessfuly lost 10lbs in a week! btu it was all for nothing!
I was stood up! & then again by my backup plan of vampire boy!
well action boy couldnt make it no idea what vampire boys excuse was
I feel just like shit right now
the girls at my uni have started noticing that i dont eat, known them for 6 months and this is them just noticing now, morons.
but yes they keep making a spectical of me, shouting so that everyone can hear 'Your not eating again!?' 'I think you have a problem and just wont admit it' and all this shit.
and along with having to vist my parents at the weekend i have had to consume so much food
so much so thatr I'v basicaly put back on the weight that i had lost (gained 7lbs) & of corse my stomach has streched and i'm feeling hungery now!
Anyway im going to try again 10lbs in a week then I'l be less than I was.
i have a friend coming over in a few hours, Im concidering having a more sexual evening than planned, simply to burn calories but I dont really like him that much and it may give him the wrong idea
ARGH
I want Vampire boy!
I want him to be mine & I his.
he was joking about being my boyfriend to keep my stalker away but it seems to be nothing more than that... a joke. He's not been online but I know he's about coz i'v seen pictures on peoples myspaces from the weekend with him at a club.
fuck this boy has messed me up!
I just want to scream, I wish he was more clear about how he felt about me, but then again not seeing me for a few weeks could be phasing out.
I need to get over him! NOW!!!
blah