Accomplishment!

I did it! I did it!
I broke through my weight barrier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
128lbs
omg im so happy!
never have i been able to get past 130!
easter monday i do have to return home to see the family
oh joy food.
i have to plan all our family meals for the week based on what i want and requests of others since some are doing lent & will be wanting the things that they gave up i.e. chocolate, cheese, junk foods ect
im going to have make everything as low fat/cal as i can get away with
but as far as the requests go it seems i shall be making either a large pizza and chips or some mac & cheese dish - italian/american theme
oh joy
but rest of the week is my call so veg sushi, couscous with roast veg & soups

I'm freaking out a bit here but part of me is wanting to recover again so this could be a good start

i know that if i regain the motivation to exercise more then i would be able to slowly increase my food intake
i just cant bear this anymore, its too much for me to handle
but at the same time i am 10lbs away from being classed as underweight
im appalled at myself for wanting to reach that as a goal
I see the distruction i inflict upon myself and I know its wrong but its keeping me incontrol of something
il look in the mirror and think wow i look amazing! or I look like shit! Im so fat! or I look like a skeleton

I really don't know anymore, I've struggled with this for years, I need to figure out when it started, if I can do than then maby I can try and recover again but this time succeed, really i just want to be truly happy again

Also I have a new boy on the scene & this one seems to truly like & respect me but early days still

again i apologize for not updating as much
I mainly blog in the communitys on livejournal under a diffrent screen name but i will try to get on here more

abandonment

jeese i keep abandoning this blog
life has been so hectic, my granny is dying, my family wont stop harrasing me about eating when i vist them
I have not seen vampire boy for months, my friends have all disapeared & I dont get on wsith anyone at uni
my lecturers think im depressed, feel like im falling behind with my work
argh its too much for me to cope with
& still my weight is jumping from the 130- 140
i almost broke the 130 barrier but then had to go vist my parents & as soon as i walked in the door i was bombarded with food, questions & critisisum about my weight, god im either too thin or being warned that il get fat if i have something
I cant win!
watching a catwalk show the now, its making me feel so fat & its just reminding me about my own show, im going to need to get some laxitives or something before it coz i cant keep this up esp since my family want to see me more, which means having to eat more
bloody sucks right now

break the barrier

so my weight keeps going between 130 & 140
I can never seem to get under 130 and never go over 140
its killing me!
I wake up after a week of fasting so weak so i have to eat and so i never get any lower
blahh
i need to go out for dinner then out heavy drinking
im dreading it like insanly
and i keep wanting to eat right now!
i hate this, I feel huge
plus my kleptomania is in over drive, ironically i keep stealing food
I wish i didnt live in a studio, there would at least be walls to hide the kitchen

Action cancel, fuck recovery

So I lost the weight again but AGAIN Action boy had to cancel, he had a college thing at 9am so he wouldn't be able to spend the night since he has to travel to see me, I was still really upset
I was frustrated and wanted to have an amazing night of sex with an amzing guy but I was left feeling rejected as per usual.
So I decided fuck it
I hate this ed anything I reach a gw my 'reward' never happens, Im never happy no matter what!
So I made myself a proper sized dinner, all vegan so I felt ok about it, was just terrified at the size
but I started eating it, while on msn talking to Aiden when he started on about politics
I was like no im not interested in politics, its like religion, unless it is unavoidably important then i dont want to know,
and with him being on of the few that knows about my ED I said
I'm more concered about eating a proper meal rather than starving myself

big statment yeah

he turns round and said well i think you need to get your prioritys straight, politics are important.
well can I say Iv never had one comment hit me so hard
i for the first time ever managed to purge my food, it was horrible.
the rest of the meal is in the bin
I hate him
Im even more determinded to reach my GW now
fuck trying to recover, im not dying so theres no need
this thing makes me miserable and happy at the same time
in a perfect world i wouldn't I have this but guess what
we are all in this one big flaw we call life!

been a while

iv not posted for a bit simply because iv not been around and had alot of shit happen
as in my last post I sucessfuly lost 10lbs in a week! btu it was all for nothing!
I was stood up! & then again by my backup plan of vampire boy!
well action boy couldnt make it no idea what vampire boys excuse was
I feel just like shit right now
the girls at my uni have started noticing that i dont eat, known them for 6 months and this is them just noticing now, morons.
but yes they keep making a spectical of me, shouting so that everyone can hear 'Your not eating again!?' 'I think you have a problem and just wont admit it' and all this shit.
and along with having to vist my parents at the weekend i have had to consume so much food
so much so thatr I'v basicaly put back on the weight that i had lost (gained 7lbs) & of corse my stomach has streched and i'm feeling hungery now!
Anyway im going to try again 10lbs in a week then I'l be less than I was.
i have a friend coming over in a few hours, Im concidering having a more sexual evening than planned, simply to burn calories but I dont really like him that much and it may give him the wrong idea
ARGH
I want Vampire boy!
I want him to be mine & I his.
he was joking about being my boyfriend to keep my stalker away but it seems to be nothing more than that... a joke. He's not been online but I know he's about coz i'v seen pictures on peoples myspaces from the weekend with him at a club.
fuck this boy has messed me up!
I just want to scream, I wish he was more clear about how he felt about me, but then again not seeing me for a few weeks could be phasing out.
I need to get over him! NOW!!!
blah

Get skinny for Action!

Action boy is wanting to see me again, not seen him since october!
god we had an amazing night but we didnt have sex
he spent the night begging to fuck me
but i wouldnt let him
i didnt want him getting everything in one night- the smart thing to do, keeps them coming back for more
a theory that iv recently proven =/
but yeah
he was amazed at how thin i was yet i had big boobs
so im going to have to loose weight like crazy for him
just in my waist really
so fasting for the days before i see him
so that im beautiful for him

god i cant wait!
he made me cum soooo many times last time
he is amazing

We are nothing more than fuck buddies, this is true but I still want to look good for him

so I have set myself the ambishious target of loosing 10lbs in a week!!!

I hope i can do it!

do you believe in fate?

I bumped into Vampire boy today as I came out of the train station, oh he is so beautiful, he was with his friend and they were going to get a train themselfs but we had a quick catch up, god im crazy about him!

But yes Fate
I had planned to leave college at lunch, but i stayed on to do some more work
I then planned to go home at 3pm but my friend felt really sick so I waited with her untill her dad came to collect her
so i just decided to leave at 4 with everyone else
I was going to go and buy some CDs and would have needed to go out the door way at the back of the train station
but again I changed my mind, i decided that it was too cold and I wanted to get straight home
plus i proposly started walking slower as i went through the station ( i was doing it to hold someones attention)
and with all these put together i walked right into Vampire boy

If i had decided to go through with any of the original plans i had, I would not have seen him today, he also said that they were going to go shopping but, they couldnt be bothered going through the crowds.

Its times like these that I wonder if fate is real, like I was in the right place at the right time & with that, that my life is on the right track right now
Im so happy right now, it may have only been 5-10mins i spent with him but its been the highlight of my year so far :):)

random survey

Girl Confessions
[x] I'm straight.
[] I'm gay.
[x] I'm bi.
[] I'm easy.
[x] I wear make up.
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I like what I see
[x]When I walk by mirrors, I hate what I see.
[] I wear a bra to bed.
[x] Ocassionally I sleep naked.
[x] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater.
[x] I'm not gonna stop talking to someone just because my boyfriend doesnt like him
[x] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend didn't like.
[] I love chocolate covered pretzels.
[x] Getting a flower makes me smile, especially for no reason.
[x] I've wrecked a car.
[] I can't put mascara/eyeliner on without opening my mouth.
[x] I'd do anything for that special guy.
[] I get jealous easily.
[x] I love cuddling.
[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[] I've gotten a detention.
[] I've gotten suspended.
[] I've gotten expelled.
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I carry a purse everywhere.
[x] I carry a bag everywhere.
[] I'd be lost without my cell phone.
[] I'd be lost without my mp3/CD player.
[x] I did own a Spice Girls CD.
[x] I own/did own a Britney Spears CD.
[x] I own/did own a boy band CD.
[] Football isn't boring.
[x] I love athletic boys
[] I love country boys .
[x] I love skater guys.
[x] I love punk guys.
[] I love gangsta guys.
[x] I love emo guys.
[x] I love gothic guys.
[x] I love nerds.
[x] I love guys that are just themselves.
[x] I love guys with longish hair.
[] I love guys with mohawks.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've been called a tease.
[] I've been called a slut.
[x] I've been called a bad influence.
[x] Lip gloss is better than lipstick.
[x] I can't leave the house without makeup.
[] I can play video games, even when there are other people around.
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me.
[x] I would do anything for my friends.
[x] I want to be with a certain someone right now.
[] I smoke way too much.
[] I drink way too much.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I have (a) piercing

no money

well I just went to get the contracts sorted and pay the deposit for my new flat so thas me now down £250 more than usual
im not going to be able to buy food, even if i wanted to or anything else for that matter.

Im also watching and old skatebording dvd of mine, making me want to start boarding again, only thing is I dont have a board anymore and as I said, cant afford to buy one

but yes i need a little bit of focus right now since I have alot of work for tomorrow

ok wtf?

I haven't heard from DJ since i saw him, i dont understand?
he has deleted me from myspace & he's not on my msn friends list anymore?
I really dont understand, when you delete someone from msn does your contact now disapear the persons account too?

What is going on i mean seriously? we had an amazing time!
And it was a no strings thing, does he think that im going to be all clingy, wanting to be his girlfriend shit?
Ugh I just feel compleatly used

And on top of that Iv not heard from Vampire boy in about a week either.

I just feel like a piece of worthless shit.

disgusting

I just had to go out for lunch with my parents, I feel so sick!
I want to go down to the pharmacy and get ipecac or something
i had a bowl of leak and potato soup, salad, baked veg pastry & a few chips
i didnt finish the soup or the pastry and i scraped all the cheese off but i feel so so sick
plus work last night was shit so im really tired and the slightest things are putting me in a bad mood
I just want to cry, this is horrible
i just want to rip my stomach open and gut out everything inside

Target dress

right i went out sales shopping with my gran today and she bought be this really beautiful and unusual dress
but when i got back home and tried it on, it does fit but its is really tight round my ass and legs!
coz its like a tight fitting pencil skirt with a short puff ball skirt over the top
but when im wearing it, its so tight that i dont like sitting down it in coz i feel the seams are going to burst!
iv been doing really well the last few days but this is just extra motivation
i want this dress to fit me perfectly by the end of january!
so the focus is going to be on my ass and thighs
fingers crossed

and I cannot stop thinking about DJ!
not that I feel for him like I do with Vampire boy, its just the sex with DJ was so amazing I keep re-living it in my head!
although I keep puttting Vampire boy in his place. See I have not yet had sex with him, I want my first time with him to be special and mean something.
but god DJ was just...WOW!!!

but yes loose the ass and thigh fat!!!

Happy new year

I got so drunk, I haddn't intened to but by the end of the night I was tired and just accepting drinks, I feel like shit, so many calories, and with my lack of sleep and food I still feel drunk.
plus time of month, I'm going crazy with cravings and im in pain.
but my new years resolutions

1. go vegan again
it wont be as restricted as before since my mother didnt like me doing it and doctors told me I couldnt survive on it seeing as my body naturally lacks so many vitimins so if I have to dairy will only be consumed in social situations.
2. focus more on my work and projects- compleat things in time rather than night before.
3.excersise much much more
4. love and fuck more- unless Vampire boy askeds me to be his girlfriend, then I shall be commited to him for I do believe I truly love him.
& that kinda ties in with the previous one for excersize
5. read more books
6. go out with my friends more
7.learn to play my guitar propperly
8. take more pictures
9. loose weight and try to start modelling
10. regain an individual style
11. become famouse but for a reason definatly not through any reality tv means
12.meet more famouse people - kind of ties in with the above
13. make more money so that I can relieve my mother of some of the financial support she gives me, just to make life easyer for her
14. learn to drive
15. one day get a bus or a train to anywere, london, manchester ect preferibly I'd go to america but I doubt I would be able to afford it.

well thats all I can think of for now, I will update it no doubt when I think of more.