Accomplishment!

I did it! I did it!
I broke through my weight barrier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
128lbs
omg im so happy!
never have i been able to get past 130!
easter monday i do have to return home to see the family
oh joy food.
i have to plan all our family meals for the week based on what i want and requests of others since some are doing lent & will be wanting the things that they gave up i.e. chocolate, cheese, junk foods ect
im going to have make everything as low fat/cal as i can get away with
but as far as the requests go it seems i shall be making either a large pizza and chips or some mac & cheese dish - italian/american theme
oh joy
but rest of the week is my call so veg sushi, couscous with roast veg & soups

I'm freaking out a bit here but part of me is wanting to recover again so this could be a good start

i know that if i regain the motivation to exercise more then i would be able to slowly increase my food intake
i just cant bear this anymore, its too much for me to handle
but at the same time i am 10lbs away from being classed as underweight
im appalled at myself for wanting to reach that as a goal
I see the distruction i inflict upon myself and I know its wrong but its keeping me incontrol of something
il look in the mirror and think wow i look amazing! or I look like shit! Im so fat! or I look like a skeleton

I really don't know anymore, I've struggled with this for years, I need to figure out when it started, if I can do than then maby I can try and recover again but this time succeed, really i just want to be truly happy again

Also I have a new boy on the scene & this one seems to truly like & respect me but early days still

again i apologize for not updating as much
I mainly blog in the communitys on livejournal under a diffrent screen name but i will try to get on here more