Accomplishment!

I did it! I did it!
I broke through my weight barrier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
128lbs
omg im so happy!
never have i been able to get past 130!
easter monday i do have to return home to see the family
oh joy food.
i have to plan all our family meals for the week based on what i want and requests of others since some are doing lent & will be wanting the things that they gave up i.e. chocolate, cheese, junk foods ect
im going to have make everything as low fat/cal as i can get away with
but as far as the requests go it seems i shall be making either a large pizza and chips or some mac & cheese dish - italian/american theme
oh joy
but rest of the week is my call so veg sushi, couscous with roast veg & soups

I'm freaking out a bit here but part of me is wanting to recover again so this could be a good start

i know that if i regain the motivation to exercise more then i would be able to slowly increase my food intake
i just cant bear this anymore, its too much for me to handle
but at the same time i am 10lbs away from being classed as underweight
im appalled at myself for wanting to reach that as a goal
I see the distruction i inflict upon myself and I know its wrong but its keeping me incontrol of something
il look in the mirror and think wow i look amazing! or I look like shit! Im so fat! or I look like a skeleton

I really don't know anymore, I've struggled with this for years, I need to figure out when it started, if I can do than then maby I can try and recover again but this time succeed, really i just want to be truly happy again

Also I have a new boy on the scene & this one seems to truly like & respect me but early days still

again i apologize for not updating as much
I mainly blog in the communitys on livejournal under a diffrent screen name but i will try to get on here more

abandonment

jeese i keep abandoning this blog
life has been so hectic, my granny is dying, my family wont stop harrasing me about eating when i vist them
I have not seen vampire boy for months, my friends have all disapeared & I dont get on wsith anyone at uni
my lecturers think im depressed, feel like im falling behind with my work
argh its too much for me to cope with
& still my weight is jumping from the 130- 140
i almost broke the 130 barrier but then had to go vist my parents & as soon as i walked in the door i was bombarded with food, questions & critisisum about my weight, god im either too thin or being warned that il get fat if i have something
I cant win!
watching a catwalk show the now, its making me feel so fat & its just reminding me about my own show, im going to need to get some laxitives or something before it coz i cant keep this up esp since my family want to see me more, which means having to eat more
bloody sucks right now

break the barrier

so my weight keeps going between 130 & 140
I can never seem to get under 130 and never go over 140
its killing me!
I wake up after a week of fasting so weak so i have to eat and so i never get any lower
blahh
i need to go out for dinner then out heavy drinking
im dreading it like insanly
and i keep wanting to eat right now!
i hate this, I feel huge
plus my kleptomania is in over drive, ironically i keep stealing food
I wish i didnt live in a studio, there would at least be walls to hide the kitchen

Action cancel, fuck recovery

So I lost the weight again but AGAIN Action boy had to cancel, he had a college thing at 9am so he wouldn't be able to spend the night since he has to travel to see me, I was still really upset
I was frustrated and wanted to have an amazing night of sex with an amzing guy but I was left feeling rejected as per usual.
So I decided fuck it
I hate this ed anything I reach a gw my 'reward' never happens, Im never happy no matter what!
So I made myself a proper sized dinner, all vegan so I felt ok about it, was just terrified at the size
but I started eating it, while on msn talking to Aiden when he started on about politics
I was like no im not interested in politics, its like religion, unless it is unavoidably important then i dont want to know,
and with him being on of the few that knows about my ED I said
I'm more concered about eating a proper meal rather than starving myself

big statment yeah

he turns round and said well i think you need to get your prioritys straight, politics are important.
well can I say Iv never had one comment hit me so hard
i for the first time ever managed to purge my food, it was horrible.
the rest of the meal is in the bin
I hate him
Im even more determinded to reach my GW now
fuck trying to recover, im not dying so theres no need
this thing makes me miserable and happy at the same time
in a perfect world i wouldn't I have this but guess what
we are all in this one big flaw we call life!

been a while

iv not posted for a bit simply because iv not been around and had alot of shit happen
as in my last post I sucessfuly lost 10lbs in a week! btu it was all for nothing!
I was stood up! & then again by my backup plan of vampire boy!
well action boy couldnt make it no idea what vampire boys excuse was
I feel just like shit right now
the girls at my uni have started noticing that i dont eat, known them for 6 months and this is them just noticing now, morons.
but yes they keep making a spectical of me, shouting so that everyone can hear 'Your not eating again!?' 'I think you have a problem and just wont admit it' and all this shit.
and along with having to vist my parents at the weekend i have had to consume so much food
so much so thatr I'v basicaly put back on the weight that i had lost (gained 7lbs) & of corse my stomach has streched and i'm feeling hungery now!
Anyway im going to try again 10lbs in a week then I'l be less than I was.
i have a friend coming over in a few hours, Im concidering having a more sexual evening than planned, simply to burn calories but I dont really like him that much and it may give him the wrong idea
ARGH
I want Vampire boy!
I want him to be mine & I his.
he was joking about being my boyfriend to keep my stalker away but it seems to be nothing more than that... a joke. He's not been online but I know he's about coz i'v seen pictures on peoples myspaces from the weekend with him at a club.
fuck this boy has messed me up!
I just want to scream, I wish he was more clear about how he felt about me, but then again not seeing me for a few weeks could be phasing out.
I need to get over him! NOW!!!
blah

Get skinny for Action!

Action boy is wanting to see me again, not seen him since october!
god we had an amazing night but we didnt have sex
he spent the night begging to fuck me
but i wouldnt let him
i didnt want him getting everything in one night- the smart thing to do, keeps them coming back for more
a theory that iv recently proven =/
but yeah
he was amazed at how thin i was yet i had big boobs
so im going to have to loose weight like crazy for him
just in my waist really
so fasting for the days before i see him
so that im beautiful for him

god i cant wait!
he made me cum soooo many times last time
he is amazing

We are nothing more than fuck buddies, this is true but I still want to look good for him

so I have set myself the ambishious target of loosing 10lbs in a week!!!

I hope i can do it!

do you believe in fate?

I bumped into Vampire boy today as I came out of the train station, oh he is so beautiful, he was with his friend and they were going to get a train themselfs but we had a quick catch up, god im crazy about him!

But yes Fate
I had planned to leave college at lunch, but i stayed on to do some more work
I then planned to go home at 3pm but my friend felt really sick so I waited with her untill her dad came to collect her
so i just decided to leave at 4 with everyone else
I was going to go and buy some CDs and would have needed to go out the door way at the back of the train station
but again I changed my mind, i decided that it was too cold and I wanted to get straight home
plus i proposly started walking slower as i went through the station ( i was doing it to hold someones attention)
and with all these put together i walked right into Vampire boy

If i had decided to go through with any of the original plans i had, I would not have seen him today, he also said that they were going to go shopping but, they couldnt be bothered going through the crowds.

Its times like these that I wonder if fate is real, like I was in the right place at the right time & with that, that my life is on the right track right now
Im so happy right now, it may have only been 5-10mins i spent with him but its been the highlight of my year so far :):)